It's the end of the year and I know it, and I feel fine.

So decided to make a year end list along with everyone else for my top 10 favorite albums of the year. The top 5 are albums that got me through the worst depression I've ever been in. I got lost in every track and could relate to each one which was so important to me at the time. I needed to know that what I was going through was normal and that it happens to almost everyone. I just needed to get through it. I don't think I ever realize how important music is in my life until I think about an album or band and see what an impact they have on my mind and feelings when I hear them. Anyway, here they are:

Honorable Mention: Life Fantastic (Man Man)

Favorite song: Life Fantastic

10. James Blake (James Blake)

Favorite song: Limit To Your Love

9. Hurry Up, We're Dreaming (M83)

Favorite Song: Intro into Midnight City is just so perfect but they didn't have audio for that so here's Midnight City.

8. Born This Way (Lady Gaga)

Favorite song: Marry the Night

7. House of Balloons (The Weeknd)

Favorite Song: High For This

6. Moment Bends (Architecture in Helsinki)

Favorite Song: Contact High

5. 4 (Beyonce)--God, I love this woman. This album is such an empowering album. In her other albums she talked about heartbreak and being single. This album is full on Beyonce in love and it's beautiful.

Favorite Song: Love on Top

4. Yuck (Yuck) This album got me through some really tough moments by just existing in times I needed to walk around and get my thoughts straightened out.

Favorite Song: Shook Down

3. Cults (Cults) Fucking A. This album got me through a phase of mine in the summer where I wanted to just be sad over heartbreak and the crazy thoughts that went through my head. They got me!

Favorite Song: Abducted

2. Father, Son, Holy Ghost (Girls) Christopher Owens really knows how to write about heartbreak and sadness and does it well.

Favorite Song: Just a Song

1. 21 (Adele) This girl gets me. Adele writes the words that I wish I could write when I feel the way she does. You can guarantee I will be in tears after a full listening to this album, every time.

Favorite Song: Someone Like You literally makes me cry every time I hear it, no matter where I am. But Don't You Remember is a tie as well for favorite on this album.

vent.

I had grown tired of you and your mischievous, caniving ways to rip apart any relationship I had. Others have finally realized the thing I realized almost a year ago. That you are to not be trusted. That you will use things I say to you as a backbone to your arguments with others. You are a sad pathetic person because of your own decisions. No one has hurt you as much as you think they did. Karma will come right back at you and I hope it comes back to you with a vengeance. I have had people in my life that I thought I could trust turn out to be not trustworthy at all. But none like you. You are a different form of untrustworthy. I have often used the word "evil" to describe you. And I really believe that is what you are. I think your sole purpose in this life is to make everyone around you as miserable as you are.

I get it, you liked a guy.
I could go so much to say that I loved the guy for God knows what reasons.
But if you really cared about him as much as you say you did, wouldn't you just let him go and be happy. Any way possible. Even if that means sadness for you. Sadness will go away. Happiness will reappear.

Stop playing the victim.

happyhappyhappy

So completely content with life right now and I feel great about it. I think the worst thing that's happened to me in the past month or so is that I started to get into the Twilight series. It's been pretty bad. I think I just like to look at Robert Pattinson, or at least that's been my excuse.

When I finally decided about a month or so ago to just do things and talk to people that make me happy, it seriously was the best decision of my life. And I'm not necessarily cutting people out of my life, I just think that I shouldn't have to feel obligated to hang out with people or talk with people that really bother me or have hurt me in the past (so much so that I can't forgive them). I realized the person I want to be and that person is happy. I'm tired of being this masochist which if you look at my track record any psychiatrist would think I was.

I, of course, am not perfect and have my weak moments of going back to my old ways. But I think I'm starting to realize when I'm in the middle of a weak moment and snap out of it. I think six years of wishing on 11:11 for the same wish has finally paid off. :)

I just took a big sip of grown up juice

The other day I traded in my baby Jeep and leased a 2007 Chevy Cobalt. Everything is under my name, so this car is all mine. I'm still getting used to driving a car that wasn't made in the 90s. I have to get more adjusted to it. BUT I did put $20 into my tank yesterday and it filled it up 3/4 of the way!!!!!! But alas all the money I'll be saving on gas will be going straight to either lease bills or insurance bills. :| It's weird because even thought I'm going to be neck deep in car payments for  AT LEAST the next 5 years, I kind of don't mind it. I think it shows that I'm taking a step in the right direction and that I'm becoming an adult. This is a huge step for me!

But unless I get a raise or a job that pays a helluva lot more, I don't see me moving out anytime soon. But I guess we will see where life takes me. I'm still doing that thing where I'm taking things one step at a time and not worrying what's going to happen in the future. Honestly, lately I've been happier than I've ever been with a few sucky nights here and there but nothing I can't get passed.

Next weekend is Thanksgiving which is by far always the best weekend of the year! And I'm so excited for it! Eeeeee!

How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.

"She's a demented circus monkey"-Mark


Yep. That about sums it up.

But, mooooomm, I don't wanna shower!

You might say "Oh but you can make the water super hot and it feels nice when you're cold". Nay! First you have to like get naked (by the way it's cold enough to snow in my house so this part is not enjoyable). Then you have to wait there with your shivering body while the water takes its sweet time getting hot. By this time, I've almost given up on showering. Then yeah it's nice nice nice until.....you realize you've been in the shower for a half hour and you might be late for work now. So now you have to turn off the shower. And walk outside of the stall into a room that I can only describe as a place where only Mr. Freeze can reside. Then I realize I need to get back to my room as quickly as possible because this tericloth robe that barely covers my bum is NOT going to cut it. Once I get to my room, I quickly decide that the only sanctuary I have is going back into my bed under the warm covers. Where I inevitably fall asleep and will be in fact late for work.

Trust me, if I could take showering off the list of things I have to do everyday to be a normal part of society, I would.

I've been doing this thing lately where I drink with my friends over the internet during the week. Well, it's usually  just Mark but sometimes there are others. And it sounds REALLY lame but honestly I have more fun just drinking and talking to my friends that I don't get to see on a daily basis (which is all of them) than I do going to a party and drinking. It's strange but it's a helluva lot more personal when I'm talking to someone drunk online than it is when I'm at a party where conversation is usually simple and nothing worth remembering. I mean, I obviously have those meaningful conversations with people in real life too but it's starting to become very distant. (It's funny because this same subject matter has been mentioned in 3 other of my friends' blogs. So I can't be imagining this.)

My diet has been going pretty well. I've lost 5 lbs thus far. Which may not be alot but it's a feat in my eyes. I've been pretty good at denying soda, beer, and caffeine from my diet. I've been eating salads, yogurt, and fruit throughout my day at work and eating a healthy (sometimes not) dinner when I get home. I signed up for the gym...went twice. But I have been doing mini workouts in my room. So I'm not being a complete sloth. I joke around with people that I want to be 100 lbs. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I just want to be back to where I was sophomore/junior year of college. That's what I want. Gotta shed this beer weight off of me. I blame Ramapo.

All good things must come to an end

The weekend I had been looking forward to since July has finally come and went. It was everything I had hoped for. It was a vacation that I needed.

Between bar hopping in Baltimore for Halloween and going to see M83 in DC, I really couldn't have asked for a better weekend. M83 was absolutely amazing and I don't think I ever danced so much at a concert. So good!

I also don't think I can ask for any better of friends than the ones I was with this weekend. I just am soso lucky. We just all joked around and drank and just had general merriment everywhere we went. I'm having so much fun with living life one day at a time and not worrying about things like I normally would.

And then there are parts of me that are thinking maybe I'm having too much fun with some things but then the other parts of me are saying that everything is going to be all right. Which I'm almost confident they are :D

I think I like to analyze people too much. I really enjoy knowing why a person is the way they are. I just made one of my friends tell me stories about this one girl that a group of my friends used to be friends with their freshman year of college. I'm so intrigued by this girl. I have no idea why. Maybe because the stories are so entertaining and fucked up. I don't know. Maybe I'm just nosy.

Yeah that's probably what it is.

For the first time, in an incredibly long time, I feel very content with my life. I feel like the past year or so, I've been focusing so much on why I'm sad that I've lost touch with the things/people who actually make me happy. It feels good.

Yesterday, I went into Philly with Mark and Keith to see Portugal. the Man. I've never really listened to them before but I don't often get to hang out with just Mark and Keith so I decided it would be fun to go. I've missed hanging out with them so much. I almost forgot what it was like to be with friends and there not be drama involved. Just us having fun, walking around the city, getting drinks. It was really great. It made me realize (after a year of them being in different states) that just because a friend is living in a separate state doesn't mean the friendship is going to disappear. It's a nice feeling.

I am having the most frustrating day today. I just want to go home and not be at this fucking office anymore.

I also have to go get drinks with these people after work. I can't fucking escape.

Srsly, the only thing I want to occupy is my bed. Leave me alone with everything else.

When you least expect it...

I'm still proud of this picture I photoshopped. I'M GONNA SHOW IT OFF SOME MORE.

Today, I woke up at 8am and took a very long walk in Cattus Island, this little wildlife "reserve" basically down the street from my house. I say reserve with quotations because the only wildlife it's reserving is deer, squirrels and snakes, which I suppose need reserving as much as anything else. I listened to Local Natives on my walk. And I came to the realization that I can't listen to Gorilla Manor without thinking about this time last year. How terribly happy I was while at the same time being terribly lost and overwhelmed with feelings for someone else.

Sometimes I think it's annoying that music can associate with different times or feelings you had at a certain point. But, I also think it's wonderful. It's almost as if when those feelings you had go away with time another sensation heightens. Memory. And when you hear something that reminds you of that time, it's practically overwhelming. I can't listen to Little Secrets by Passion Pit or Forever by Chris Brown or the album All Hail West Texas by the Mountain Goats without thinking about certain people. Sometimes I cry, other times I smile throughout the entirety of it. It's a win/lose situation that I'm not entirely unhappy about.

After my walk, I went on my cousin's new boat. Next summer just entered a whole new ballgame. I'll be doing nothing but water skiing, boating, water tubing and jet skiing. Something about being out on the water is so soothing to me. Completely relaxing and I can't help but smile the entire time we are coasting.

I had a really nice and relaxing weekend despite the debacle that happened on Friday with my surgery being cancelled. It was something I definitely needed and sadly weekends by myself just walking around is something I can get used to.

NEW BLOG

I had to create a new blog so I can associate my Gmail email address with Blogger instead of signing in and out of Google everytime I want to use Google+ or Blogger. So here it is!