Man oh MAN

What a character judgment flaw on my end!

I was so wrong!

Unemployment

So since quitting my job last Wednesday, I've been doing alot of sitting around and thinking. I've come to many realizations:

1. People who say "funemployment" when they are unemployed are idiots

2. I should drink more tea, there seems to be an absurd amount at my house so I think I'm going to get into it

3. I've watched aloooooot of TV shows in their entirety in the past year

4. I depend on people too much. Not saying that I can't depend on people but I think I need to start helping myself instead of turning to others to solve my problems.

5. I decided to take a break from drinking for money reasons and I think along with people I depend on alcohol to solve my problems for a night or two then am left to pick up the pieces later. Being a dependent on those two things is a very dangerous thing in itself

6. I'm going to take a step in the right direction and forgive those that I just couldn't in the past. Not that they were waiting for my forgiveness but I think I need to put the past in the past and leave it there for my own well being. I've been holding on to this one thing for so long that it's literally making me go crazy. I find myself not trusting anyone and being insecure. I question my relationships with people almost on a daily basis and that's the least healthy thing I can do right now.

7. I'm going to move on and it will be the hardest thing to do

I've come to realize that when I miss someone, like really miss them, I'm a complete bitch to them until I see them again. So then all the time we talk in between seeing each other is wasted because I react to things inappropriately.

I need to get my act together.

I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with any aspect of my life.

Seems like things always end terribly no matter what I do.

Fuck man, why can't I just be happy?

You ever have the feeling that you will never get over something ever. I'm going to die feeling this empty.

I make the same mistakes

Everyone posted on their blogger within the past couple weeks or so, so I feel like I have to as well!!!

I've been surprisingly upbeat recently considering the circumstances of what has happened to me in the past few weeks. There are times where this impending loneliness consumes me though. I'm still working on how to get myself out of those feelings of distress. Or at least figure out a way to mask it when I'm with people.




Fast forward three weeks later............I've been doing pretty well, with the exception of a couple of weak moments. Sometimes I think that I'm going to be alone forever, and honestly that scares me the most. I'm sure others have thought the same so I don't think I'm going crazy...yet. I need to get out there and do things with my life. I need to move out. I need to get another job. I need to meet someone people.

-----------------------------------------------

I wish I could be myself around my family. They think I don't care about anything, that nothing matters to me. Alot of things matter to me. They don't know about anyone I've ever met in college or my feelings about anyone. They don't even know who my best friends are. But it's not because they don't try. I just don't let them in. I mean, it might be bc they've been making fun of me and criticizing me my whole life. But maybe I'm an easy target.

----------------------------------------------

I don't know how to write. I don't want to be a writer. I just want to be able to express how I'm feelings in writing. Maybe it's not my writing that's the problem. Maybe I just think that I can't fully express myself on this thing. Maybe I'll keep a journal of my own. But then again, I don't think I even want to read what I have to say.






This post started out kind of positive, I swear. Oh well..everyone's sad sometimes.

I disconnect the telephone, cause I can choose to be alone
I'll get more done, I'll have some fun, pretend you're not the only one

Like the moon needs poetry, you need me

Things I've learned in the past month, since I last blogged:

1. If the last thing I do before I get out of the shower is wash my hair, my hair looks fucking great.
2. On another hair note, my hair looks better using Baltimore water than Toms River water..what the efff.
3. I seem to easily forget and forgive everything "bad" that has been done to me, but for some reason there is literally one thing I can't forgive or forget and I want to so bad!
4. I look better when I'm tan than I do when I'm pale.
5. I want to re-vamp my look. Get a whole new style. I'm bored of this Forever 21/Target catalog girl.....but the dresses are so pretty!
6. Excercising is hard to get back into. Someone play tennis and basketball with me.
7. Seriously no one's going to listen to you anymore if you are going to keep getting upset about the same thing. You put yourself in this situation everytime knowing full well the result. I'm talking from personal experience!
8. Some people aren't that bad. I still don't want to hang out with them.
9. One of my best friends and a person that I miss on a daily basis lives in San Francisco and has been home for a month and I feel like I've been abandoning our friendship. What the hell is wrong with me??
10. I literally will never go anywhere in life if during the week as soon as I get home I lay in my bed and watch tv shows until I fall asleep
11. I want to learn how to swim, like really swim.
12. This may be TMI but I want to be more adventurous in bed! I used to be! Why do I feel like I'm 100?
13. That being said, I really have no privacy regarding things with my own life. I want to be more private but I don't want to be sketchy.
14. I like having  a secret between me and another person that obviously no one else knows about. And then when you are at a party or something with a lot of people, you can look at that person and be like "no one knows this thing about us. it's awesome!" I'm a weirdo.
15. I'm more afraid of commitment than I thought I was.

I think that's it. Now I suppose I should get ready for work considering it's 8:30 and I'm still in a towel.

I am virtually in the same place I am 5 years ago mentally. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Why is this is so fucking difficult for me to do?

Why do I feel like something is dying inside of me this morning??

Someone talk to me.

I don't believe you

I don't know what's worse the fact that I don't think I'll ever fall in love again or the fact that I've become a person who doesn't believe love exists anymore.

I've always been the hopeless romantic. But I'm kind of sick of it. I mean I know I love people but I don't think I want to pursue it anymore. What's the point? It's so fickle. It could change in a second. Why should I invest so much into something that could just fall apart.

I'm sick of having the rug pulled out from under me so I'm not gonna stand on rugs anymore.

IS ANYONE READING THIS??!

So I decided I need to pick up some habits. And I'm going to make it my goal for the next 5 months (start small) to do these habits everyday.

1. only brush my teeth in the morning, and before bed (maybe once in between if I'm going out or something) and floss. I went to the dentist back in January and they told me my gums were receding because I brush too hard/brush too often and it makes my teeth super sensitive, almost to a point where it's painful to eat or drink anything that isn't lukewarm. It's almost OCD like how much I brush my teeth, gotta chill out.

2. use facial scrub in the morning and before bed. I'm not trying to brag but while all my siblings had pretty terrible acne, I never had an acne problem or rarely ever got pimples. But I consider it God's way of making things even since he smited me with terrible eczema when I was little. Anyway when I did get a pimple, I wouldn't do anything about it. Just let it run its course. But ever since I started this job, I guess I've been more stressed out and I've been having pimples show up on my face. And it may not be noticable to others, but I notice it. So now I have to get in the habit of using facial scrub, which is alot harder to remember than you may think.

3. not spend my money so frivolously. I plan on not buying myself anything for the next 5 months (with the exception of a ticket to Governor's Ball). I just did my taxes this past weekend and put together all the loans I owe and I didn't realize how in debt I actually am. So with the except of food and drink, no more perks. I also need to cut down on the amount of money I spend at bars on weekends. I'll just DD, that way I have an obligation to stay sober.

4. eat healthier or eat at least something during the day. Ever since I was sick for what felt like a month, I barely ate anything. Mostly because everything tasted yucky and I didn't have an appetite. But I'm still in that habit. I just forget to eat during work and then when I get home I'm too lazy to make anything. Then when I do eat, it's basically carbs. Now, I did lose a pants size but I want to lose more and I want to do it in a healthy manner.

5. GO TO THE GYM. I'm not taking advantage of the $22 Retro Fitness takes out of my bank account every month. GOGOGO

6. Start going on walks. I know it's lame but I really can't run very far without my asthma acting up lately. So I need to start small and start going on walks especially since it's getting nicer out. This I think I can do but I need motivation!

Please if you are my friend and reading this which only a handful of you are, make me do these things. If you see that I'm about to buy something I don't need, remind me of this blogpost. If you see me eating unhealthy (Mike, I'm looking at you!), tell me the important of not eating that thing. If I'm talking to you about going to the gym or not, motivate me to go! (Mark, I'm looking at you!) Just help me! I can't do this on my own!

Home is when I'm alone with you

Feeling probably 50x better than I felt a couple weeks ago. I've come to realize that I'm very needy in the fact that I constantly need to be reassured of things. Mostly when it comes to my relationships. I just like to know that the friendships that mean the most to me are always in tact and are just the same as always. But I think I'm going to stop being this way and just accept things. I've done this with many people I've come to know throughout college. I realized that they are who they are and they aren't going to change so why bother making myself upset about it. It's not worth it.

I also have come to realize that I'm better in one on one situations than I am in certain group situations. Maybe that's social anxiety but I never used to be like that. I'm trying to go back to the old me like the person I was in high school before that first relationship that I'm pretty sure is the reason I feel broken and second guess myself all the time.

I want to be that person again that would go with the flow. I used to be so spontaneous. Now it feels like every step I take is planned. I never step off the sidewalk anymore. I'm more stressed out than I've ever been before and I think it's because I take precaution with everything and think about what could happen if I do this or what won't happen if I do this. Not to mention I owe thousands and thousands of dollars to several different banks for loans and don't get paid nearly as much as I should.

But it's time I roll with the punches. Money will be made and I will eventually pay everything off. I'm taking a break from opening my heart to anyone for a while. I just think I need some time to let it breathe for a bit. I decided that instead of involving people in my feelings, I'm just going to deal with them on my own and work things out by myself.

I just don't want to hurt myself or anyone else I truly care about anymore. Because telling someone that is one of my best friends my feelings for them isn't fair to them especially when they don't feel the same way. I don't want anyone feeling bad on my behalf because I know what it's like to feel bad on someone else's behalf. It's not fair and I don't want to make anyone I love suffer. Heartbreak is cruel and everyone goes through it at some point in their life so why make other people's lives worse by making them suffer through my heartbreak.

But this really isn't supposed to be a sad post. This is an uplifting post for me. I've thought alot about my life the past couple weeks and I've thought about the person and friend I want to be. I'm going to work very hard to be that person because that person is happy.

Those 15 minutes I have before work where I sit in my car eating my breakfast sandwich and drinking my coffee listening to Porkroll and Eggs with Nina and Tom on B98.5 is probably the most at peace I'll be all day while I'm at this job. I'm kind of all right with it.

I'm losing my will to do alot of things. I'm starting to cry all the time again for no particular reason. I'm starting to second guess every relationship in my life. I don't feel confident enough in myself that I can be good enough for anyone or anything. I'm stressed from work and from home. It just seems that I don't have anything.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm very alone in a crowded room it seems all the time.

This isn't going anywhere. No one really cares. And they shouldn't. I don't even really care.

I love you, I can't touch you.

I've been really down these past couple of weeks. I've lost my motivation to do anything except sit in my bed and watch TV shows on the internet. I feel like I've been losing touch with some of the people I talk to on a regular basis. I'm slowly becoming unresponsive to many things. I can't sleep at night even if I'm exhausted, which I always am. I'm just so uncomfortable. I'm lacking many things in my life right now. I can't seem to grab hold of anything and keep it. Everything seems like it is slowly slipping away from me, even friendships. It seems that the relationships that I try hardest to keep are the ones that fall apart.

While driving to work today, I got to thinking about  my love life which is something I often avoid thinking about hoping the thought of it will just disappear. But I was thinking about why I fall for my friends. I've only been in love twice, and both of those people have been and are my best friends, sometimes. Maybe it's the comfort I feel with my friends that draws me to them, or the comfort they have with me, or the fact that they have seen my good and bad side and vice versa, or maybe that I don't have to pull conversation out of nowhere to just talk to them, or maybe the easiness of being with them. Then I got to thinking and realized, every guy that has ever shown interest in me that wasn't my friend, I have blown off or shown complete disinterest in. Why is that? I realized when I think about how often I hang out with my friends on weekends or go to different states to be with the people I love most, I think about how no boyfriend outside of this friends group would ever do that with me. But if I were to date a friend, it would be easy to bring them along bc they are friends with the people I'm visiting as well. I know it's lame. But it just makes me think maybe I'm ready to be in a relationship but I'm not ready to not have fun with my friends when the opportunity arises.

Which then would mean maybe I'm not so ready to be in a relationship right now.

I had this huge long post about how alone and sad I feel. But decided it was too revealing.