Home is when I'm alone with you

Feeling probably 50x better than I felt a couple weeks ago. I've come to realize that I'm very needy in the fact that I constantly need to be reassured of things. Mostly when it comes to my relationships. I just like to know that the friendships that mean the most to me are always in tact and are just the same as always. But I think I'm going to stop being this way and just accept things. I've done this with many people I've come to know throughout college. I realized that they are who they are and they aren't going to change so why bother making myself upset about it. It's not worth it.

I also have come to realize that I'm better in one on one situations than I am in certain group situations. Maybe that's social anxiety but I never used to be like that. I'm trying to go back to the old me like the person I was in high school before that first relationship that I'm pretty sure is the reason I feel broken and second guess myself all the time.

I want to be that person again that would go with the flow. I used to be so spontaneous. Now it feels like every step I take is planned. I never step off the sidewalk anymore. I'm more stressed out than I've ever been before and I think it's because I take precaution with everything and think about what could happen if I do this or what won't happen if I do this. Not to mention I owe thousands and thousands of dollars to several different banks for loans and don't get paid nearly as much as I should.

But it's time I roll with the punches. Money will be made and I will eventually pay everything off. I'm taking a break from opening my heart to anyone for a while. I just think I need some time to let it breathe for a bit. I decided that instead of involving people in my feelings, I'm just going to deal with them on my own and work things out by myself.

I just don't want to hurt myself or anyone else I truly care about anymore. Because telling someone that is one of my best friends my feelings for them isn't fair to them especially when they don't feel the same way. I don't want anyone feeling bad on my behalf because I know what it's like to feel bad on someone else's behalf. It's not fair and I don't want to make anyone I love suffer. Heartbreak is cruel and everyone goes through it at some point in their life so why make other people's lives worse by making them suffer through my heartbreak.

But this really isn't supposed to be a sad post. This is an uplifting post for me. I've thought alot about my life the past couple weeks and I've thought about the person and friend I want to be. I'm going to work very hard to be that person because that person is happy.