Unemployment

So since quitting my job last Wednesday, I've been doing alot of sitting around and thinking. I've come to many realizations:

1. People who say "funemployment" when they are unemployed are idiots

2. I should drink more tea, there seems to be an absurd amount at my house so I think I'm going to get into it

3. I've watched aloooooot of TV shows in their entirety in the past year

4. I depend on people too much. Not saying that I can't depend on people but I think I need to start helping myself instead of turning to others to solve my problems.

5. I decided to take a break from drinking for money reasons and I think along with people I depend on alcohol to solve my problems for a night or two then am left to pick up the pieces later. Being a dependent on those two things is a very dangerous thing in itself

6. I'm going to take a step in the right direction and forgive those that I just couldn't in the past. Not that they were waiting for my forgiveness but I think I need to put the past in the past and leave it there for my own well being. I've been holding on to this one thing for so long that it's literally making me go crazy. I find myself not trusting anyone and being insecure. I question my relationships with people almost on a daily basis and that's the least healthy thing I can do right now.

7. I'm going to move on and it will be the hardest thing to do

I've come to realize that when I miss someone, like really miss them, I'm a complete bitch to them until I see them again. So then all the time we talk in between seeing each other is wasted because I react to things inappropriately.

I need to get my act together.

I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with any aspect of my life.

Seems like things always end terribly no matter what I do.

Fuck man, why can't I just be happy?

You ever have the feeling that you will never get over something ever. I'm going to die feeling this empty.

I make the same mistakes

Everyone posted on their blogger within the past couple weeks or so, so I feel like I have to as well!!!

I've been surprisingly upbeat recently considering the circumstances of what has happened to me in the past few weeks. There are times where this impending loneliness consumes me though. I'm still working on how to get myself out of those feelings of distress. Or at least figure out a way to mask it when I'm with people.




Fast forward three weeks later............I've been doing pretty well, with the exception of a couple of weak moments. Sometimes I think that I'm going to be alone forever, and honestly that scares me the most. I'm sure others have thought the same so I don't think I'm going crazy...yet. I need to get out there and do things with my life. I need to move out. I need to get another job. I need to meet someone people.

-----------------------------------------------

I wish I could be myself around my family. They think I don't care about anything, that nothing matters to me. Alot of things matter to me. They don't know about anyone I've ever met in college or my feelings about anyone. They don't even know who my best friends are. But it's not because they don't try. I just don't let them in. I mean, it might be bc they've been making fun of me and criticizing me my whole life. But maybe I'm an easy target.

----------------------------------------------

I don't know how to write. I don't want to be a writer. I just want to be able to express how I'm feelings in writing. Maybe it's not my writing that's the problem. Maybe I just think that I can't fully express myself on this thing. Maybe I'll keep a journal of my own. But then again, I don't think I even want to read what I have to say.






This post started out kind of positive, I swear. Oh well..everyone's sad sometimes.

I disconnect the telephone, cause I can choose to be alone
I'll get more done, I'll have some fun, pretend you're not the only one

Like the moon needs poetry, you need me

Things I've learned in the past month, since I last blogged:

1. If the last thing I do before I get out of the shower is wash my hair, my hair looks fucking great.
2. On another hair note, my hair looks better using Baltimore water than Toms River water..what the efff.
3. I seem to easily forget and forgive everything "bad" that has been done to me, but for some reason there is literally one thing I can't forgive or forget and I want to so bad!
4. I look better when I'm tan than I do when I'm pale.
5. I want to re-vamp my look. Get a whole new style. I'm bored of this Forever 21/Target catalog girl.....but the dresses are so pretty!
6. Excercising is hard to get back into. Someone play tennis and basketball with me.
7. Seriously no one's going to listen to you anymore if you are going to keep getting upset about the same thing. You put yourself in this situation everytime knowing full well the result. I'm talking from personal experience!
8. Some people aren't that bad. I still don't want to hang out with them.
9. One of my best friends and a person that I miss on a daily basis lives in San Francisco and has been home for a month and I feel like I've been abandoning our friendship. What the hell is wrong with me??
10. I literally will never go anywhere in life if during the week as soon as I get home I lay in my bed and watch tv shows until I fall asleep
11. I want to learn how to swim, like really swim.
12. This may be TMI but I want to be more adventurous in bed! I used to be! Why do I feel like I'm 100?
13. That being said, I really have no privacy regarding things with my own life. I want to be more private but I don't want to be sketchy.
14. I like having  a secret between me and another person that obviously no one else knows about. And then when you are at a party or something with a lot of people, you can look at that person and be like "no one knows this thing about us. it's awesome!" I'm a weirdo.
15. I'm more afraid of commitment than I thought I was.

I think that's it. Now I suppose I should get ready for work considering it's 8:30 and I'm still in a towel.

I am virtually in the same place I am 5 years ago mentally. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Why is this is so fucking difficult for me to do?

Why do I feel like something is dying inside of me this morning??

Someone talk to me.