I love you, I can't touch you.

I've been really down these past couple of weeks. I've lost my motivation to do anything except sit in my bed and watch TV shows on the internet. I feel like I've been losing touch with some of the people I talk to on a regular basis. I'm slowly becoming unresponsive to many things. I can't sleep at night even if I'm exhausted, which I always am. I'm just so uncomfortable. I'm lacking many things in my life right now. I can't seem to grab hold of anything and keep it. Everything seems like it is slowly slipping away from me, even friendships. It seems that the relationships that I try hardest to keep are the ones that fall apart.

While driving to work today, I got to thinking about  my love life which is something I often avoid thinking about hoping the thought of it will just disappear. But I was thinking about why I fall for my friends. I've only been in love twice, and both of those people have been and are my best friends, sometimes. Maybe it's the comfort I feel with my friends that draws me to them, or the comfort they have with me, or the fact that they have seen my good and bad side and vice versa, or maybe that I don't have to pull conversation out of nowhere to just talk to them, or maybe the easiness of being with them. Then I got to thinking and realized, every guy that has ever shown interest in me that wasn't my friend, I have blown off or shown complete disinterest in. Why is that? I realized when I think about how often I hang out with my friends on weekends or go to different states to be with the people I love most, I think about how no boyfriend outside of this friends group would ever do that with me. But if I were to date a friend, it would be easy to bring them along bc they are friends with the people I'm visiting as well. I know it's lame. But it just makes me think maybe I'm ready to be in a relationship but I'm not ready to not have fun with my friends when the opportunity arises.

Which then would mean maybe I'm not so ready to be in a relationship right now.

I had this huge long post about how alone and sad I feel. But decided it was too revealing.

It's the end of the year and I know it, and I feel fine.

So decided to make a year end list along with everyone else for my top 10 favorite albums of the year. The top 5 are albums that got me through the worst depression I've ever been in. I got lost in every track and could relate to each one which was so important to me at the time. I needed to know that what I was going through was normal and that it happens to almost everyone. I just needed to get through it. I don't think I ever realize how important music is in my life until I think about an album or band and see what an impact they have on my mind and feelings when I hear them. Anyway, here they are:

Honorable Mention: Life Fantastic (Man Man)

Favorite song: Life Fantastic

10. James Blake (James Blake)

Favorite song: Limit To Your Love

9. Hurry Up, We're Dreaming (M83)

Favorite Song: Intro into Midnight City is just so perfect but they didn't have audio for that so here's Midnight City.

8. Born This Way (Lady Gaga)

Favorite song: Marry the Night

7. House of Balloons (The Weeknd)

Favorite Song: High For This

6. Moment Bends (Architecture in Helsinki)

Favorite Song: Contact High

5. 4 (Beyonce)--God, I love this woman. This album is such an empowering album. In her other albums she talked about heartbreak and being single. This album is full on Beyonce in love and it's beautiful.

Favorite Song: Love on Top

4. Yuck (Yuck) This album got me through some really tough moments by just existing in times I needed to walk around and get my thoughts straightened out.

Favorite Song: Shook Down

3. Cults (Cults) Fucking A. This album got me through a phase of mine in the summer where I wanted to just be sad over heartbreak and the crazy thoughts that went through my head. They got me!

Favorite Song: Abducted

2. Father, Son, Holy Ghost (Girls) Christopher Owens really knows how to write about heartbreak and sadness and does it well.

Favorite Song: Just a Song

1. 21 (Adele) This girl gets me. Adele writes the words that I wish I could write when I feel the way she does. You can guarantee I will be in tears after a full listening to this album, every time.

Favorite Song: Someone Like You literally makes me cry every time I hear it, no matter where I am. But Don't You Remember is a tie as well for favorite on this album.

vent.

I had grown tired of you and your mischievous, caniving ways to rip apart any relationship I had. Others have finally realized the thing I realized almost a year ago. That you are to not be trusted. That you will use things I say to you as a backbone to your arguments with others. You are a sad pathetic person because of your own decisions. No one has hurt you as much as you think they did. Karma will come right back at you and I hope it comes back to you with a vengeance. I have had people in my life that I thought I could trust turn out to be not trustworthy at all. But none like you. You are a different form of untrustworthy. I have often used the word "evil" to describe you. And I really believe that is what you are. I think your sole purpose in this life is to make everyone around you as miserable as you are.

I get it, you liked a guy.
I could go so much to say that I loved the guy for God knows what reasons.
But if you really cared about him as much as you say you did, wouldn't you just let him go and be happy. Any way possible. Even if that means sadness for you. Sadness will go away. Happiness will reappear.

Stop playing the victim.

happyhappyhappy

So completely content with life right now and I feel great about it. I think the worst thing that's happened to me in the past month or so is that I started to get into the Twilight series. It's been pretty bad. I think I just like to look at Robert Pattinson, or at least that's been my excuse.

When I finally decided about a month or so ago to just do things and talk to people that make me happy, it seriously was the best decision of my life. And I'm not necessarily cutting people out of my life, I just think that I shouldn't have to feel obligated to hang out with people or talk with people that really bother me or have hurt me in the past (so much so that I can't forgive them). I realized the person I want to be and that person is happy. I'm tired of being this masochist which if you look at my track record any psychiatrist would think I was.

I, of course, am not perfect and have my weak moments of going back to my old ways. But I think I'm starting to realize when I'm in the middle of a weak moment and snap out of it. I think six years of wishing on 11:11 for the same wish has finally paid off. :)

I just took a big sip of grown up juice

The other day I traded in my baby Jeep and leased a 2007 Chevy Cobalt. Everything is under my name, so this car is all mine. I'm still getting used to driving a car that wasn't made in the 90s. I have to get more adjusted to it. BUT I did put $20 into my tank yesterday and it filled it up 3/4 of the way!!!!!! But alas all the money I'll be saving on gas will be going straight to either lease bills or insurance bills. :| It's weird because even thought I'm going to be neck deep in car payments for  AT LEAST the next 5 years, I kind of don't mind it. I think it shows that I'm taking a step in the right direction and that I'm becoming an adult. This is a huge step for me!

But unless I get a raise or a job that pays a helluva lot more, I don't see me moving out anytime soon. But I guess we will see where life takes me. I'm still doing that thing where I'm taking things one step at a time and not worrying what's going to happen in the future. Honestly, lately I've been happier than I've ever been with a few sucky nights here and there but nothing I can't get passed.

Next weekend is Thanksgiving which is by far always the best weekend of the year! And I'm so excited for it! Eeeeee!

How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.