Monday, May 27, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Flightless Bird
So here we are again. And once again I have not fulfilled my New Year's resolution of writing in my blog more. Sorry guys. I know you wish you had more of my whiney, angsty realizations. So lets see what has happened in my life since what February?
Hmm, well at that point I was just going through a couple hard friendship "breakups". It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do up until this point in my life. I was very sad and zombie-like for a long time. People would talk to me and I would answer and go through the motions of the day but I wouldn't ever really know what I was saying or doing. I just did it. Wash, rinse and repeat for about a month. The "break up" part sounds silly but it's something that had to be done for my well being and theirs. Even while I was depressed and upset over it all, I still felt it was the right thing to do and I had no regrets. Everything always resolves itself in the end, I just had to get through it. That's all I had to do. Get through it.
And I did! Even now, I give myself credit for being able to do it. I've never considered myself a strong emotional person, I stand my ground often enough and have my opinions, but when it comes to people I love, I will let you walk all over me and be very content about it. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have gone crawling back, being that pathetic, sad girl but I knew what I was doing was something that I had to do to become "right" again, whole even. So I held my stance.
It all did me good. I met Bob via OK Cupid which was the guy I had blogged about going on a good date with. Bob was what I needed, I believe, to get me through whatever it was I was going through. He was absolutely not my type at all. At that point, I had decided that the type I go for are people who are slightly broken themselves. I go for guys who I can mend and take care of. In the end, I was always the one getting hurt. I'm not saying the guys I've been with were out to hurt me, that's just the way the cookie crumbled. Anyway, this time around I decided to put away all the judgments and opinions I have of my perfect man and just accept someone. Let them in. So that's what I did with Bob. He was quiet but talked to me. Literally had no opinions about anything, which at the time I thought was good because I have plenty opinions about things and I needed someone to balance me out. Turns out, I like to be challenged. He liked house music (that was a hard one to get by) and he didn't talk about music. Which I loved. I have a hard time, even now, listening to anyone talk about music. It gives me memories I'd rather not have. Bob liked to drink and go out which was a plus. He had a real job and his own apartment. And it didn't hurt that he was good in bed. But after about a month of dating him, I got bored and didn't have that same positive energy I had about going to see him. I stopped caring. So I decided to end things with him.
I realized that while Bob was an excellent step towards the right direction, I just didn't want to be with anyone but myself. That sounds weird and super self-centered but honestly it's how I felt. I still hung out with friends and had a good time but I stopped looking for someone to be with which for a long time was my main goal in life.
I still have a hard time trusting people. I don't really have a "best" friend anymore. I don't really confide in anyone anymore. I've learned to forgive but have learned enough lessons in my life so far to not fully forget, so I keep my guard up.
I've been spending alot of time on my own. Which is usually something I tried to steer clear from in the past. Fear of being alone. But I kind of like it. I mean, a few months ago if I was alone, I'd be in tears and thinking about everything that I lost all the time. I couldn't be alone, I was a wreck. But now, I'm truly and wholly my own person. I don't think about the past anymore as if it is dead. I'm more happy than I've ever been.
In my alone time, I've been reading alot. To a point where I made a deal with myself that after I read this book that I'm on now, I will take a break from reading and go out and be a 24-year-old. I fear that I will take this preferring to be by myself thing too seriously and stay home all the time. Never go out and face life. So I'm gonna do that....in 10 more chapters.
Hmm, well at that point I was just going through a couple hard friendship "breakups". It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do up until this point in my life. I was very sad and zombie-like for a long time. People would talk to me and I would answer and go through the motions of the day but I wouldn't ever really know what I was saying or doing. I just did it. Wash, rinse and repeat for about a month. The "break up" part sounds silly but it's something that had to be done for my well being and theirs. Even while I was depressed and upset over it all, I still felt it was the right thing to do and I had no regrets. Everything always resolves itself in the end, I just had to get through it. That's all I had to do. Get through it.
And I did! Even now, I give myself credit for being able to do it. I've never considered myself a strong emotional person, I stand my ground often enough and have my opinions, but when it comes to people I love, I will let you walk all over me and be very content about it. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have gone crawling back, being that pathetic, sad girl but I knew what I was doing was something that I had to do to become "right" again, whole even. So I held my stance.
It all did me good. I met Bob via OK Cupid which was the guy I had blogged about going on a good date with. Bob was what I needed, I believe, to get me through whatever it was I was going through. He was absolutely not my type at all. At that point, I had decided that the type I go for are people who are slightly broken themselves. I go for guys who I can mend and take care of. In the end, I was always the one getting hurt. I'm not saying the guys I've been with were out to hurt me, that's just the way the cookie crumbled. Anyway, this time around I decided to put away all the judgments and opinions I have of my perfect man and just accept someone. Let them in. So that's what I did with Bob. He was quiet but talked to me. Literally had no opinions about anything, which at the time I thought was good because I have plenty opinions about things and I needed someone to balance me out. Turns out, I like to be challenged. He liked house music (that was a hard one to get by) and he didn't talk about music. Which I loved. I have a hard time, even now, listening to anyone talk about music. It gives me memories I'd rather not have. Bob liked to drink and go out which was a plus. He had a real job and his own apartment. And it didn't hurt that he was good in bed. But after about a month of dating him, I got bored and didn't have that same positive energy I had about going to see him. I stopped caring. So I decided to end things with him.
I realized that while Bob was an excellent step towards the right direction, I just didn't want to be with anyone but myself. That sounds weird and super self-centered but honestly it's how I felt. I still hung out with friends and had a good time but I stopped looking for someone to be with which for a long time was my main goal in life.
I still have a hard time trusting people. I don't really have a "best" friend anymore. I don't really confide in anyone anymore. I've learned to forgive but have learned enough lessons in my life so far to not fully forget, so I keep my guard up.
I've been spending alot of time on my own. Which is usually something I tried to steer clear from in the past. Fear of being alone. But I kind of like it. I mean, a few months ago if I was alone, I'd be in tears and thinking about everything that I lost all the time. I couldn't be alone, I was a wreck. But now, I'm truly and wholly my own person. I don't think about the past anymore as if it is dead. I'm more happy than I've ever been.
In my alone time, I've been reading alot. To a point where I made a deal with myself that after I read this book that I'm on now, I will take a break from reading and go out and be a 24-year-old. I fear that I will take this preferring to be by myself thing too seriously and stay home all the time. Never go out and face life. So I'm gonna do that....in 10 more chapters.
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