I love you, I can't touch you.

I've been really down these past couple of weeks. I've lost my motivation to do anything except sit in my bed and watch TV shows on the internet. I feel like I've been losing touch with some of the people I talk to on a regular basis. I'm slowly becoming unresponsive to many things. I can't sleep at night even if I'm exhausted, which I always am. I'm just so uncomfortable. I'm lacking many things in my life right now. I can't seem to grab hold of anything and keep it. Everything seems like it is slowly slipping away from me, even friendships. It seems that the relationships that I try hardest to keep are the ones that fall apart.

While driving to work today, I got to thinking about  my love life which is something I often avoid thinking about hoping the thought of it will just disappear. But I was thinking about why I fall for my friends. I've only been in love twice, and both of those people have been and are my best friends, sometimes. Maybe it's the comfort I feel with my friends that draws me to them, or the comfort they have with me, or the fact that they have seen my good and bad side and vice versa, or maybe that I don't have to pull conversation out of nowhere to just talk to them, or maybe the easiness of being with them. Then I got to thinking and realized, every guy that has ever shown interest in me that wasn't my friend, I have blown off or shown complete disinterest in. Why is that? I realized when I think about how often I hang out with my friends on weekends or go to different states to be with the people I love most, I think about how no boyfriend outside of this friends group would ever do that with me. But if I were to date a friend, it would be easy to bring them along bc they are friends with the people I'm visiting as well. I know it's lame. But it just makes me think maybe I'm ready to be in a relationship but I'm not ready to not have fun with my friends when the opportunity arises.

Which then would mean maybe I'm not so ready to be in a relationship right now.

I had this huge long post about how alone and sad I feel. But decided it was too revealing.